– Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) – The Hill
It is just fair. A simple concept. It is hard to believe that anyone would oppose simple fairness. Yet they do. There are politicians against fairness, like Senator Norm Coleman (R-Minn) who sponsored anti-fairness legislation, bloggers against fairness, like Ed Morrissey of Captain’s Quarters, as well as meddling foreign media like The Economist, who oppose fairness in America.
I bring this to your attention, because (as obviously wrong headed as this anti-fairness coalition may be) they do make a point that we – the common sense Americans who believe in fairness – should carefully consider. Certainly there is a fairness problem with broadcasters, but if we look at this problem objectively, we see it cannot be solved by dealing with the broadcasters alone. The bigger problem resides in the listeners, watchers, and readers, who are so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of opinion and debate available in all kinds of media, that they fail to ingest a fair and balanced diet of divergent opinion. No worries. Information technology created this problem, information technology can solve it. Divided We Stand United We Fall Enterprises intrduces the right technology solution for all fair-minded Americans.
Yes – exciting news – DWSUWF is branching out! We are announcing right here and right now the development of three new products that will (just like the wildly successful V-chip) soon be integrated into your life. And it will happen just as soon as our many bipartisan campaign contribution checks clear the bank. Without further ado:
From the DWSUWF Semiconductor division – announcing the FairChipÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢
Under pending legislation, the FairChipÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ will be required to be installed in every new radio, satellite receiver, television, cablebox, DVR, and VCR sold in America. As part of the same legislation, the FCC will be replaced by the Department of Fairness, which will rate every cable, broadcast, and satellite show on a patriotic red and blue partisan scale from 0-10. There will be no restrictions and no limitations on what you as a free American can watch or listen. But, as a fair American, your FairChipÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ installed device will help you maintain the fair viewing and listening habits we all want. The FairMeterÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ on the front of each device displays the red/blue balance of broadcasts viewed on that device. If your viewing habits create unbalanced viewing, for example by watching or listening to too much Red/Republican programming, the FairChipÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ will only permit comparably rated Blue/Democratic programming to play on the device until your viewing is once again in balance. As fair as fair can be. Look for our ads and tag line: “Watch whatever you want, but watch Fairly!” That is what fair Americans do.
From the DWSUWF Software division – announcing FairBuyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ software
The problem of unfairly balanced consumption goes beyond broadcast media. Don’t forget, there are a lot of partisan books and magazines out there. With the FairBuyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ software module installed in every internet retailer checkout page and every bookstore cash register in America, the problem is solved. How does it work? If you have ever bought a book on Amazon, you know. You’ve seen Amazon software suggest other books to buy, often offering a better price if you buy two. DWSUWF Software engineers have reverse engineered that software to require the purchase of of an equal and opposite partisan book or magazine with every purchase. The FairBuyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ software also offers free shipping and bigger discounts with each purchase, so Americans can save money while staying in partisan balance.
As exciting as these products are, we have even better things in store for the future:
From the DWSUWF BioTech division a pre-release announcement of FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ ocular/cochlear integrated implants.
FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants solve the thorny problem of mis-matched media imbalance. What if there is no right wing director with the movie making skills of a Michael Moore? Or no left wing radio personalities with the aural persuasive power of Rush Limbaugh? With FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants it will be no problem! Watch a great Michael Moore movie, and stay in balance listening to two scintillating hours of Rush Limbaugh! Your FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants will track your personally balanced viewing habits, regardless of the device or media.
Pictured here is a test of FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ technology using an early prototype of the product (Full Discolsure: These images resulted from a product placement deal DWSUWF cut with Stanley Kubrick in the film A Clockwork Orange). In the top picture on this post, a registered Democrat beta tester is watching Michael Moore’s Sicko, and in the bottom picture he is watching back to back episodes of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. Nanotechnology and computing advances have improved the technology since the prototype appeared in the movie. The new FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants will be discreetly installed subcutaneously with minimal, almost unnoticeable scarring.
What a convenience! No need to worry about keeping each individual device in balance, your FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants track and balance it all. The FairThinkÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ implants communicate with all FairChipÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ enabled devices through the FairToothÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ proprietary network. All part of the FairLifeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚Â¢ balanced life you know you want to live, because that is what fair Americans do.