Being a philanthropist, I attended a benefit a month or so ago for homeless kittycats. Friends of mine were playing and sensual rites of burlesque were to be observed. Sympathetic to the plight of displaced pussy and a big fan of ass n’ titties, I made my way to Partners, the New Haven gay bar this soiree was being held at. Being of secure and non-homophobic orientation and possessing the clandestine knowledge that in addition to making pious Christians squirm, HOMOSEXUALS FUCKING PARTY, I anticipated an evening of…gaiety.
As true metal acolytes Nasty Disaster were setting up, I noticed a familiar face by the bar. “Who’s the asshole in the Buckcherry hoodie?” I thought to myself, unable to place this asshole in the Buckcherry hoodie. All doubt was removed as said asshole joined Nasty on stage and with but a howl, revealed himself as none other than the grand high arbiter of faggotry, Seth Putnam. Anyone who fails to appreciate the irony here… why are you even fucking reading this?
I first met Seth at Deathstock ’95, where Anal Cunt shared a bill with Carnivore, Mortician and Fallen Christ. He and then-new guitarist Scott Hull were one of my first ever interviews and they drunkenly beat the piss out of my mom’s camcorder with a broom while not answering my questions. When my old band opened for AC and Incantation (yes, they played “Kyle From Incantation Has A Moustache”) back in ’97, my other guitarist Jay Suecof got AC to play a song called “Ryan From Capharnaum Has One Testicle.”
There’s a video somewhere, along with footage of Seth popping wheelies and falling over in Jay’s wheelchair. I’m still convinced the song “Van Full Of Retards” is about us.
Anyone who knows AC knows that song titles are half the fun. Fuckin’ A, the band’s newest release on PATAC Records, features such gems as “Loudest Stereo,” “Kicking Your Ass and Fucking Your Bitch” and “Hot Girls on the Road.” As those titles and its Too Fast for Love-biting art may suggest, Fuckin’ A is Anal Cunt’s sleaziest-sounding record to date.
“It sounds like AC, Motley Crue and Buckcherry,” Seth explained in a spontaneous interview with Gun Shy Assassin. “It’s got my most sexist lyrics ever,” he enthused.
Their first full-length in ten years, the record also boasts actual song structures, making it something of a unicorn within the diarrhea-amoeba that is Anal Cunt’s discography. Following the hott cock rock action of Fuckin’ A, Seth revealed that the band will soon be releasing Wearing Out Our Welcome on Limited Appeal Records. “It’s a return to form. Some of the songs we’ve got on it are ‘Cop-Calling Faggot,’ ‘Beating Up Niggers Who Sell Fake Crack’ and ‘TsuNasum.’”
Seth elucidates: “We did a tour with Napalm Death, Pig Destroyer and Nasum. He [Miesko] was such an arrogant asshole, saying that they were so much better than us but we blew every band off the stage every night. One of the lyrics is ‘I survived my coma, you got killed by water.’ The guy deserved it. He was such an asshole to us.”
Some polarizing shit right there. Take it as entertainment or take it to heart and get butt-hurt, but the world needs people like Seth Putnam. No matter how low your sweet chariot may swing… Seth’s has swung lower; and despite how lowly a reprobate fuck you may be, Seth has got you beat tenfuckingfold. While some assholes develop a reputation, Seth has eked out a career.
Exhibit A: the first 100 copies of Fuckin’ A come with a photograph of Seth getting a blowjob while shooting heroin. “It’s totally real. Dan from PATAC took it. There was no fakin’ it,” Seth deadpans.
While you may not be at fault for needing to recalibrate your moral compass to facilitate listening to Anal Cunt, be advised that possession of something so metaphysically gay as a “moral compass” may render you a boss fag who shouldn’t be listening to Anal Cunt in the first place.