Mark Hunter, the lead singer of Chimaira, is back with a fifth entry in his regular Gun Shy Assassin column, “Dear Hunter.”
While searching for inspiration for this month’s column, I decided to Google “November 2012” to see what type of situations would be heading our way. After three obligatory calendar (not Mayan, that’s next month) links, I stumbled upon news that EVERY HUMAN ON THIS PLANET needs to be aware of.
Frank Lake of WeeklyWorldNews.com reports that an alien spaceship is set to attack Earth. When?
According to the article, “Scientists predict the new ships will arrive in November of 2012.” Holy shit! I’m not sure which scientists, as there are no citations, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that this shit is REAL and the media are trying to cover it up.
Apparently, these ships are from the planet Gootan. You know, that’s the one near Gobbledygook Centerum. They’re traveling through a wormhole and will (presumably) use laser or photon technology to disintegrate us all. Unless of course they are still using old fashioned Rayguns.
They will more than likely enslave a few of us to mine gold for their ships, because they simply can’t be bothered with it, and will spend the rest of the time at theme parks like Cedar Point to laugh at human accomplishment and feel the effects of gravity. Perhaps even a gravity bong will be used to seduce and control the minds of Colorado residents. They think their magical weed will help fix a broken economy, cancer patients, and put an end to failed drug war policies — little do they know it’s all a part of alien mind control.
There is no word on this report whether or not these aliens listen to music, but we can guarantee they won’t pay for any CD’s. These guys are all digital. Bit torrent users. NASA reports the Gootans might use the new Deftones record against us. One of the tracks will have a RickRoll before an 8-string breakdown that will cause brain evaporation.
We can expect a full on war between the reptilians that already inhabit this planet posing as politicians. The shape shifters won’t go out without a fight. Expect a battle in the skies so immense that the Bhagavad Gita will have to add an extra couple of pages to commemorate it all. The Goldman Sachs Justic League will have one champion. Will the winner be the Morman with his “Magical Underpants of Destruction”, or will the current leader yield his “Sword of Transperency” (that he didn’t build) and thwart off the evil Gootan Gooplasm. You won’t decide! Gary Johnson who? You’re a Librarian, Mark? What the hell is tha…
I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. My brain has been taken over, and my initial idea to write a blog and harmoniously merge heavy metal with politics is no longer possible. Brainwashed citizens plague the Earth like Gootan termites on a Gootan wooden Abraham Lincoln rendering it moot. Speaking of Lincoln, that movie looks badass. Anything with Daniel Day Lewis is badass. I hope to encapsulate his contempt for humanity from “There Will Be Blood” on our next album. Seriously. That dude really “hates everyone”
I hope that everyone screwed by Hurricane Sandy (a.k.a. HAARP/Chemtrails/Aliens) recovers quickly. I spent my Tuesday mopping up over 5 gallons of water off my basement floor. I’m thankful that was the worst of it and feel for anyone who went through some serious shit.
Aliens, the media continues to lie, new Deftones, Colorado and other states will hopefully legalize weed, a crappy presidential election, Lincoln in theaters November 9, and hopefully more fantastic journalism from Frank Lake.