Greetings! I am Mister Tobonics and I’ll be keeping you entertained this week.
As a longtime friend of Jos. von Wienerhaus (hell, I knew him before he bought his first codpiece), it will be a privilege to keep his column warm.
As a huge Queensrÿche fan, I’ve followed Geoff Tate’s descent into sexually creepy alcoholic uncle for years. As depressing as the journey has been, I get excited every time Captain Insania does another ridiculous interview. Mr. Tate has Got it Bad these days and he has a hard time opening his mouth without putting his foot in it. At least that’ll keep him from “singing,” right?
In a recent interview, the disgraced former Queensrÿche singer compared playing with different musicians to “making love with a different woman.” Oddly enough, making love with a different woman was what ended his first marriage and started the current one with Susan “I Wanna Be Sharon Osbourne” Tate.
Tate, whose band is made up of aged industry veterans like Robert and Rudy Sarzo and Simon Wright, also added, “This is the music that got them off as young people, so they’re throwing everything they’ve got into it.”
Is anyone else sick of Tate’s uncomfortably sexual new persona? Songs like “Sacred Ground,” “Got it Bad,” “LuvNu,” and “Say U Luv It” make “The Thin Line” seem retroactively like the tip of the iceberg that helped sink the TateTanic.
No matter how you feel about bedroom kinks, a 54-year-old grandfather who shaves his body hair and wears eyeliner discussing his sex life in detail is beyond unsettling.
If you take the “making love” metaphor further and look at who Tate’s shacking up with these days, it gets even more confusing. Jackson, Lundgren, Rockenfield and Wilton obviously tired of Papa Tate’s Insania dick and found themselves a new daddy in vocal ubermensch Todd LaTorre. But Tate? Tate’s motley crew of leftovers makes Vince Neil in full Shout at the Devil attire look like Traci Lords servicing a company picnic.
Their ham-handed attempts at covering Operation: Mindcrime translate into a dismal lovemaking experience. Poor Kelly Gray can’t even get his fingers around the shaft because of those damn oven mitts! Never mind that half the lineup are metal/hard rock veterans (Rudy spent a few years of the ’80s licking Coverdale’s Whitesnake, Simon in AC/DC and Dio, Robert in Hurricane), you’d think they lost their virginity the night the Tateryche tour started.
If the current lineup of Queensryche is a beautiful, assertive, mature woman who just got out of an abusive relationship, Tate’s Operation: Winecrime menagerie is the twelve Jack and Cokes deep former groupie that daddy picks up at the bar to convince himself he’s still got it. He doesn’t.