If you’re flying, leave your batteries home

December 28, 2007

If you’re flying, leave your batteries home The US Transportation and Security Administration has been slowly adding to the list of things passengers can’t take on planes; next on their list will surely be toenails and fingernails, as they could be carriers of bio-toxic hazardous material, but for now the department is settling for banning disposable lithium-ion batteries. Why? Because they’re a dangerous fire hazard, silly!

Can’t you picture Samuel Jackson saying, “I’m tired of these [maternally-oriented expletive] batteries, on this [maternally-oriented expeletive] plane!” Luckily, the ban isn’t on anything with rechargeable lithium-ion batteries, like laptops, cameras or cell phones; you can even carry your disposable Energizers or Duracells in plastic baggies (but no more than 2, mind you; any more than that and you will obviously incinerate the plane, plastic baggy or not).

The reasoning behind this new decision is that the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) found that the emergency fire systems of cargo holds are not capable of quenching the overwhelming fire force of a short-circuited or faulty lithium-ion battery, according to the Associated Press.

Krista Edwards, deputy administrator of the Pipeline and Hazardous Materials Safety Administration, said, “‘Doing something as simple as keeping a spare battery in its original retail packaging or a plastic zip-lock bag will prevent unintentional short-circuiting and fires.”

There you have it, folks: we are quickly moving to a time where no luggage will be allowed, and you’ll have to walk through a clean room, and dress in only your birthday suit to board a plane. Happy flying, America!