The brewing controversy in Seattle over noise regulations, decibel meters, rock and roll, and quiet people came to a head this morning when Mayor Greg Nickels announced that all music over eighty-five decibels would be completely banned in every venue within the city limits. Eighty-five decibels is about as loud as a train whistle; club owners must obey the new regulation immediately or have their liquor licenses revoked as soon as this weekend.

“There are a lot of wealthy people now living in popular nightclub areas of the city,” Mayor Nickels announced. “Belltown, Fremont, Ballard, Capitol Hill, downtown…these people want to relax in their condos in peace and not be bothered by young ruffians out ‘having fun’- drinking, grouping together and laughing, singing, dancing…hell I even heard there is an epidemic of pillow fights in our city! These kids out on the town every night disturb residents of the neighborhood who feel that the proper function of life is to accumulate things like fancy dishwasher and Beamers, not to go out and “party”. These hooligans are upsetting condo owner’s entire belief system, and well, when the rich folks aren’t happy, I am not happy.”

Bands will still be able to play in clubs and bars as long as they keep it quiet. “This won’t affect the Seattle music scene at all. I’ve got my Kenny G concert tickets already” Mayor Nickels asserted. Club owners have another opinion.

“It’s total bullshit,” says Jason Rothman of the new King Cobra club on Capitol Hill. The Seattle Nightlife and Music Association goes even further. Spokesperson Jenny Magoo announced shortly after the Mayor’s declaration, “we will be staging a protest today at Pike Place Market. Seattle is music. Of course our city is modernizing and becoming more urbane, like the rest of the world, but a vibrant nightlife scene does not equal violent riots of litter-prone music lovers. We will fight this.”

The protest will occur at 7PM rain or shine, this evening: April Fool’s Day.

Enjoy life! It’s Tuesday and the sun is shining! Get out there, Seattle.

Community Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels Bans All Music in the City!