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Got Popcorn? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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Get some buttered popcorn and a large blue Slurpee and make sure you have arrived at the theatre early for good seats and in time see the coming attractions, because Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the ultimate movie experience. The movie is best seen at a ridiculous theatre like the AMC Loews Alderwood Mall 16 which has all the pomp of a Roman arena along with the glitz and glamour that represented La-La Land before Hollywood surrendered to the leagues of talentless poster-children for nepotism with no panties on.

First of all I will tell you I am a huge Indiana Jones fan. HUGE. I know every single line of the first three movies, a standard characteristic brought about by a childhood with an older brother. If I wanted a playmate I had my choice: Legos or Super Mario Brothers. Even as a young girl I was aware that knowing is half the battle, that the Millennium Falcon made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs, and that anything is possible by the power of Grayskull. But my favorite boy-toy was Indiana Jones; I wanted to be an archaeologist until I realized that they spent far more time painstakingly digging through dirt than romping the world in hot pursuit of fortune and glory.

That said, I LOVED Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You know who is in it, you know who directed it, you know it will start off with the fade from the Paramount Logo to a real “mountain” of some sort. And you will love this movie too. Of course there are always the whiners who complain that it is no fun to watch an old guy romp around in a fedora and that the movie is cheesy and unrealistic; however I don’t subscribe to the Church of Worshipped Youth and I also realize that OF COURSE it’s unrealistic- it’s a movie! We don’t want to watch the admirable Dr. Jones sorting his laundry, we want to watch him crawling around in haunted tombs, searching for hidden treasure while avoiding snakes, curses, booby traps and Commies- all of which he does in the latest epic adventure. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is non-stop action.

Do you want quicksand and motorcycle chases and jungle ruins and ancient secrets? Do you like fast-paced stories which combine coming-of-age themes with world travel and a romantic edge? How about waterfalls, dark paths through thick trees, dangerous car chases, secret codes, kidnapped professors, crazy monkeys, bad guys who are so evil they look it, carnivorous ants and a hero who can take punch after punch and ends up getting the girl in a happy ending? Of course you do. These archetypal stories have been told as long as humans could tell them. 

Just like our ancestors we live in a world where there are no pure heroes or totally bad guys, where you don’t always get what you want and there is seldom a happy, sunset-drenched ending. Modern Americans wouldn’t know an adventure if it hit them in the face like a giant rolling boulder, and if they did they would certainly run back to their couches and frozen pizza. Hollywood knows us. You can try to insist that you like deep dramas with twisted characters and sordid finales, and I might believe you there, but everybody likes stories about booby-trapped tombs and quicksand.

And carnivorous ants go so well with popcorn.

For theaters near you and showtimes for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, click here.