McCain On SNL
He was hilarious, but, as with Palin’s appearance, I can’t help but think that this doesn’t really help his chances.
Transcript after the jump…
McCAIN: â€œGood evening, my fellow Americans, Iâ€™m John McCain.â€
TINA FEY AS PALIN: â€œAnd, you know, Iâ€™m just Sarah Palin.â€
McCAIN: â€œThe final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC.â€
FEY: â€œThese campaigns sure are expensive.â€ (SHE strokes the rich fabric of her jacketâ€™s lapel)
McCAIN: â€œThey sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign.â€
FEY: â€œAnd, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, weâ€™re gonna try and sell you some stuff.â€
McCAIN: â€œThis has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as 10 commemorative plates that celebrates the 10 Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. Theyâ€™re blank; he wouldnâ€™t agree to those debates. Too bad. Theyâ€™re still nice plates.
FEY: â€œAnd who wouldnâ€™t want the complete set of limited edition â€˜Joeâ€™ action figures? Thereâ€™s â€˜Joe the Plumber,â€™ â€˜Joe Six-Packâ€™ and my personal favorite, â€˜Joe Biden.â€™ If you pull this cord, he talks for 45 minutes!
(SHE pulls cord)
JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.): â€œI take the Amtrak to work every day. Thenâ€”after workâ€”I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden â€¦â€
McCAIN: â€œItâ€™s great if you want to clear out a party.â€
FEY: â€œOr keep deer out of your yard.â€
McCAIN: â€œBut weâ€™re not just here to sell products. Weâ€™re here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.
FEY: â€œAlso too â€“ sorryâ€”I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our â€˜Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.â€™â€
McCAIN: â€œAre you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you canâ€™t go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.â€
(CINDY McCAIN displays the â€œMcCain Fine Goldâ€ like a game show model)
McCAIN: â€œIt commemorates the McCain-Feingold Actâ€”and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy!â€
FEY: â€œAnd what busy hockey mom wouldnâ€™t want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palinâ€™s â€˜Ayers Freshenersâ€™? You plug these into the wall when something doesnâ€™t quite smell quite right. Also, too, itâ€™s good because it reminds people about William Ayers.â€
MCCAIN: â€œHaving trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCainâ€™s complete set of pork knives: â€˜They Cut The Pork Out!â€™â€
FEY: â€œSo instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and overpriced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us?â€
(SHE turns to a different camera)
FEY: â€œOK, listen up everybody, I am goinâ€™ rogue right now, so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a bunch of these â€˜Palin in 2012â€™ T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear â€˜em, OK? Because Iâ€™m not goinâ€™ anywhere. And Iâ€™m certainly not goinâ€™ back to Alaska. If Iâ€™m not goinâ€™ to the White House, Iâ€™m either runninâ€™ in four years or Iâ€™m gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, Iâ€™m good either way.â€
McCAIN: â€œWhatâ€™s going on over there, Sarah?â€
FEY: â€œOh â€¦ just talkinâ€™ about taxes.â€ (SHE winks)
McCAIN: â€œLook, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but Iâ€™m a true maverickâ€”a Republican without money. And Iâ€™m not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from â€˜The Hills.â€™ So Iâ€™m here on QVC â€”and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience.â€
FEY: â€œAnd great deals on juicers.â€
McCAIN: â€œSo when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember â€˜Country Firstâ€™; as a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable; and live from New York, itâ€™s â€˜Saturday Nightâ€™!â€