LeBron James: The NBA Bachelor
Reports have surfaced that LeBron will be announcing his decision live on ESPN, which makes me wonder if this primetime special will mimic the style of one the most popular reality shows, the Bachelor.Â Let’s see how this one plays out.
Chris Harrison: After months and months of getting to know all 30 NBA teams, and then a week of inviting these elite six to your home, it is time to choose.Â The Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, LA Clippers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, and New Jersey Nets all await your final decision.Â First, tell us who will not be receiving your final headband.
LeBron: LA, you have a beautiful city and an excellent foundation.Â I think we got along really well and could have a lot of fun together.Â However, I worry about the stories I hear about your father.Â If he really is as cheap as my friends say he is, that does not bode well for our future.Â I’m sorry, you will not be receiving my final headband.
(LA walks off; all seem disappointed except for owner Donald Sterling, who looks relieved as he rips up LeBron’s check)
LeBron: Chicago, you really are exciting, and the possibility of teaming up with yourâ€¦assets, is incredibly appealing.Â Unfortunately, though, I can’t get the image of your last hero out of my mind.Â I don’t think I want to always have to feel as if I’m measuring up to someone you dated in the past.Â I am really really sorry, but I don’t think this is going to work out.
(Chicago leaves, led by a tearful Joakim Noah)
LeBron: Miami, what can I say, it would be great to live with you; the surroundings are beautiful and we wouldn’t even have to pay state taxes.Â But now that you also picked up two other big guys, I’m not really into that polygamy thing.Â Sorry, LeBron is a solo king.
(Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh saunter off; within minutes Bosh has started a Twitter war with LeBron)
LeBron: New York, I know a lot of people see me with you, and I know all about the crash diet you went on to try to make yourself more appealing to me.Â Still, I just don’t think I can be your savior.Â You need to learn to love yourself before you love others.Â Good luck with Amar’e, I think he will treat you right.
Chris Harrison: So that leaves the Nets, who, behind Jay-Z and new Billionaire owner Mikhail Prokhorov are priming to take over New York; and the Cavaliers, your high-school sweetheart, who would be absolutely devastated if you left them.Â LeBron, after the break, your final cut and decision.
LeBron: This has not been easy.Â New Jersey, you are an incredibly good friend, and I know you would take me on adventures all over the world.Â But you need to spend the next two years in Newark, and I don’t know if I can do that.Â Cleveland you have been nothing but good to me and I know I would be very comfortable there.Â The problem is, I wonder if we have gone as far together as we can and if its time for me to move on to someone more exciting.Â I have given this a lot of thought, and my choice isâ€¦New Jersey.
(Quick Split-Screen of LeBron, Jay-Z and Prokhorov doing 10-part high-five/hand-shake, as Dan Gilbert throws his 2007 Eastern Conference Champions Ring at LeBron)
Gilbert: You told me you loved me!
Prokhorov: There is no need for this to get messy.Â If you bother him, we will crush you.
Chris Harrison:Â And that wraps up this year’s season of the Bachelor.Â Tune in next season as our jaded lover, the Cavaliers, chooses the first pick in the NBA draft.Â Good night everybody!