Technology with attitude

Skating With The Stars. Yep, it’s a real thing.


Dear Dancing With The Stars fans, thanks a lot. Your commitment to watching quasi celebrities the likes of The Osmonds, Baby Palin, and The Gosselin Reproductionator 5000 attempt to samba for your amusement hath wrought Skating With The Stars, the natural conclusion to society as we know it. Now instead of watching D-Listers woodenly clunk their way through dance routines humiliating enough to make the most jaded wedding DJ squirm, we get the pleasure of watching them attempt a level of athleticism that will likely leave them splayed across the ice, clutching their chests and hoping they didn’t fracture anything important.

Seriously, DWTS fans, thank you!

I’m looking forward to SWTS with a kind of baited schadenfreude I usually reserve for the times Tyra Banks lands on the Worst Dressed list. Adding to my amusement, ABC has once again stretched the meaning of the word “star” to its thinnest possible definition. Without further adieu, here are our contestants/embarrassment monkeys:

Bethenny Frankel

According to the ABC promo, reality star Bethenny Frankel is “the only real Housewife”, um, excuse me but I call BS! This woman has at least 6 jobs and none of them entail maintaining a household or taking care of her kid full time. I’d say her odds are good though, she seems like someone who LOVES to compete and could possibly have a smidgen of grace.

Jonny Moseley

He’s an Olympic medal skier. He’s also a giant who doesn’t seem to be light on his feet but he’s strong and could potentially be good at holding his partner up and throwing her into some spins, let’s just hope she has a good dental insurance plan. Plus I love how bewildered and slightly terrified he looks in his picture.

Rebecca Budig

All My Children star. I’ve never heard of her so I’m going to arbitrarily pick her as the first to get eliminated. Sorry Becca! Love your hair.

Brandon Mychal Smith

A Disney Channel star whom I’ve also never heard of, but he seems to have some serious showmanship and, according to the promo, he’s doing this because “I want to show America that a Brother can look nice on the ice.” I love him. He’s automatically my favorite to win.

Sean Young

Oh good lord! Professional train-wreck (and movie icon?) Sean Young’s participation in this show is easily the best reason to watch. I would spend an hour of every week just watching her sassy asides “watch out the Blade Runner is here” and scary expressionless eyes as she attempts to drunkenly glide across the ice. Christmas is early this year!

Vince Neill

And rounding out the cast is 5 time arrestee and noted drunk driver Vince Neil. Can’t wait to see him get tanked on a bottle of tequila and crash a zamboni into the side of the rink. Just hope he doesn’t break his hip trying to stand on the ice first.

Skating With The Stars premiers on November 22nd. Watch the unintentionally hilarious promo HERE