Good Gravy, this is some crazy TV. Okay, let me start with what I loved about Skating With the Stars:

Judge Dick Button

Let’s forget about the fact that this guy is a skating legend, a two time Olympic gold medalist and the first skater to ever land a triple jump in competition… he’s also ADORABLE! He’s obviously going to be the ‘tough’ judge but all of his comments to the contestants were perfectly fair and constructive and -because of his age and charm – came off as either sweetly paternal or slightly naughty. (More on this later)

The Obvious Sexual Tension Between Jonny Moseley and His Partner

I’m not saying that they’re going to do anything untoward; after all, he is a married man. I’m just saying they have a saucy 1940’s romantic movie vibe about them and it shows in their performances and its fun to watch. However if I were his wife I’d tell him to cool it with all the open flirting. We’re watching you Moseley!

Judge Johnny Weir

Confession. I may have screeched a little when I found out that my favorite Russian fur fetishist slash unapologetic mullet wearing ‘bad boy’ ice king was going to be a judge on this show. And I may have screeched a little more tonight when he donned the Queen Of Hearts favorite jacket and skated (for NO reason, mind you) to “Poker Face”

Color Commentator Tanith Belbin

Not only is it a great idea to have someone explain to the viewers what the hell it is that we just saw, but I loved her ominous reporting of how many times each contestant fell during rehearsals right as they are about to skate. Good touch ABC!

Sean Young’s Terrifying Dead Eyes

They’re pretty funny in their complete lack of depth, emotion or light. But watch out, if you look into them long enough you’ll find yourself trapped in an alternate dimension where you’re forced to watch Dune over and over again until you slowly go insane and start rubbing peanut butter in your hair.

And here’s what I HATED about this show, the number one thing being:

No One Freaking Fell!!!

C’mon! This is the whole reason we’re even watching this damn show!

Host Vernon Kay

Ugh, who hired this guy? He’s like an even less charismatic Seacrest. His ‘banter’ aims for witty and sarcastic and just comes across as grating and lame. Plus his eyes kept bulging and his voice kept squeaking. Fail ABC!

Judge Laurieanne Gibson

A choreographer who has worked with Lady Gaga, Alicia Keyes and Katy Perry in the past, she has clearly decided to brand herself early as the ‘nice’ judge but her self-conscious banter just comes across as half-heartedly robotic attempts to have the best sound bites in the show (and NO ONE is going to best Dick Button on that front). She barely said a complete sentence all night, choosing instead to squawk out pointless phrases like “Magical Fantastical!” at the confused contestants.

And as for the Skaters…

Brandon and Keauna

You gotta love a guy who’s willing to drop his pants and skate for our amusement. The judges liked Brandon’s ‘spiffy personality” (so said Dick, in paternal mode) and gave them a 36. Assuming Keuna doesn’t get sick of his antics and brain him with her skate, I think Brandon will live to skate anther week.

Sean and Dennis

There is no nice way to say this; she looks like a re-animated corpse when she skates. While it’s hilarious for us to watch, you just know poor Dennis is PISSED he got Crazypants as his partner. Weirdly the judges gave them a pretty good score of 34 despite the fact that these two clearly hate working together or even touching each other. Saucy Dick’s advice to Sean is that she “take off [her] girdle and let ‘er fly!” which would be inconvient since her girdle is where she keeps her fifth of scotch.

Jonny and Brooke

Theirs looked like the toughest routine of the night and Jonny managed to pull it off without a hitch. The judges gave them a 40 and Laurieanne told Jonny to “give me some more funk in your trunk” after which I needed to restrain myself from flinging my glass of wine at the TV. Paternal Dick returned and told Jonny to “work on your posture young man.” Awww.

Rebecca and Fred

I take back my previous assessment of Rebecca, she is a good skater and I think she could win this whole stupid thing. She and her partner skated flawlessly to a pretty complicated if somewhat cheesy routine and the judges gave them a 45. Johnny said it was so hot that he “almost sweated out my weave” and Saucy Dick returned by telling her to work on her stroking (oh, c’mon people!)

Vince and Jennifer

OMG Vince Neil looked like he could fall and shatter a hip at any minute. Why is age so cruel? Why!?!? Smartly, he let his partner (and her ample boobs) do 95% of the work in their routine as he just swirled around her and wondered what ever happened to his life. The judges were not impressed and gave them a 28 and Paternal Dick came back with one more piece of wisdom “any man who is ever afraid to make a mistake will never make anything” But Vince has his own tequila brand so don’t tell him he’s never made anything of value old man!

Bethenny and Ethan

Oy! Bethenny looks like that aunt who’s being forced to dance at a wedding and hating every minute of it. She was pretty terrible and not in a funny Sean Young kinda way. And to make matters worse her partner is just plain creepy, he looks like the kind of guy who keeps severed hands in his freezer… has anyone checked? The judges gave them a 29 and Saucy Dick came on strong with “you are one skinny babe” and “relax on it, it’s not going to bite back” (which just sounds SO dirty). I have a feeling she won’t be back next week but Bethenny at least has the distinction of being the best dressed contestant of the night, girl looked good!

And before I go… they showed a promo for the upcoming season of The Bachelor and, umm, is it just me or is there a contestant who has fang implants? Jeez Louise! What’s next? A Bachelorette with horns surgically implanted on her forehead? Ugh!

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