I’ve never been a fan of Black Friday. On the day after Thanksgiving I’m always too hung over on carbs and tryptophan to manage more than a woozy walk from the kitchen to the living room. When it comes to braving the malls and finding adequate parking on Black Friday I happily leave the shoving and hoofing to the heartier members of my family. If you’re like me then you’ll be spending this Friday snuggled happily on the couch watching TV and here is sample of what TV land is offering us:

(Please note that all times listed are Eastern Standard Time)

For the Mom Who Doesn’t Feel Like Kicking Someone In The Face Over New Boots:

The View (ABC, 11am) – On Friday the ladies will share some great gift ideas for under $50, so take some notes and go back to the mall when it’s a little less assault-y

What Not To Wear marathon (TLC , starting at 6am) – This way you’ll avoid buying that god awful paisley sweater just because it’s on sale for $4.99

For The Dad Who Has the House To Himself Because Everyone Else Went Shopping:

The Deadliest Catch marathon (Discovery, starting at 9am) – Now you can enjoy your fix without the squeamish members of your family begging you to change the channel

For The Mom Who Spent All Thanksgiving Slaving Over A Hot Stove

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon (Bravo, starting at 11am) – You know what? You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Go ahead and watch your guilty pleasure TV and if anyone in your house so much as rolls their eyes at you tell them to you’ll do to them what you did to that Turkey the day before!

For Tween Girls Who Are Grounded and Can’t Go Shopping

The Today Show (NBC, starting at 7am) – Friday is all about you Tweenies, with musical guest (and Idol winner) Lee DeWyze, literary giant Justin Bieber talking about his new book (I’m pretty sure it’s about existentialist themes in the works of Kafka), plus ambush makeovers!

For the 30 Somethings In The House:

Back To The Future: Parts 1,2 and 3 (VH1, Starting at 11:30am) – Put on your purple Calvin Klein underwear and crank up Huey Lewis and The News, it’s time to get in the DeLorean and take it up to 88mph and ‘hey butthead’ and watch out for Libyan terrorists and it’s the 80’s! Okay I’m done.

For Crime Procedural Fans:

Law and Order: SVU marathon (USA, starting at 6am) – Go ahead and spend your day watching horrific crimes being solved and tried. I won’t judge you. Much.

Law and Order: UK marathon (BBC, starting at 11am) – It’s like our version but with classier accents and more tea cozies.

For People Recovering From Stressful Family Gatherings:

Goodfellas (Spike TV, 4:15pm) – It’s important to remember that at least your family hasn’t held you at gunpoint or beaten you to a pulp and then shoved you in a trunk. It could be A LOT worse.

For Pretty Much Everyone:

College Football (ABC, Noon) – Football and Thanksgiving go together like Drunkenness and New Year’s. Enjoy!

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