“Don’t worry about falling — there isn’t an Olympic champion in history who hasn’t had a splat fest at least once.” Dick Button

That’s some good advice from our dear daddy Dick, too bad it’s not enough to help our darling drunk Sean Young, who is out! I’m super bummed as she gave us exactly what we wanted tonight with two spectacular falls and enough faux confidence to choke a horse. But, you know what? She’s done enough for us, its time to let the poor girl stop torturing herself with this nonsense and get back to the business of drinking and terrifying children. Who should we look to now for our amusement? Vince and Bethenny… the floor is yours!

Tonight is Tango and Swing dance night, which means lots of chances for hideous costumes (although no one beats out Johnny Weir who thought it best to come dressed as Bea Arthur in the 80’s with Pee Wee Herman’s hair) and sleazy dance moves. Plus the competitors have to incorporate a complex footwork sequence and a dance lift in their routines. Here’s the rundown:

Jonny and Brooke

Brooke made things interesting by pointing out that her professional career ended when her partner dropped her during a lift, breaking her ankle, and making sure Jonny knows that if he drops her she will never forgive him. D.R.A.M.A! Of course who can blame her for having trust issues, he’s supposed to lift her upside down and if he falls or drops her she’ll come down head first on the ice. Despite their issues they do a pretty decent job and are almost good enough to make you forget that Brooke is dressed like a stripper from the set of Happy Days and Jonny looks like a gay math teacher trying to look hip. Best part of their routine was when he came this close to dropping her during their last move, which looked like a simulated sex act. I’m thinking he caught sight if his wife in the audience and freaked. The judges gave them a 44.

Vince and Jennifer

The announcer keeps referring to Vince as “Legendary Rock Star Vince Neil” Does he know that Vince fronted Motley Crue, a band known less for their musical prowess and more for spreading herpes across this great nation? Despite trying to “give ‘em the old Vince Neil show” he falls during his routine. Finally a fall! It wasn’t nearly as exciting as I’d hoped though and it threw off their timing so the camera operator didn’t follow them so well afterward. From what I saw, the rest of the routine was stiff and terrible. The best part was the way Vince nonchalantly grabs her by the ass as they exit the rink… ha! (Although he could have just been reacting to her Space Hooker outfit) The judges were nice to them, probably because Vince is 80 years old and, what the hell do we expect? Stupid Laurieanne comes up with her first stupid quote of the night “That ice is not nice” Blah blah blah! The judges give them a 30

 Bethenny and Ethan

“F**k Johnny Weir, I just wanna have some fun.”-Bethenny

I don’t care that Bethenny has less grace than a dancing Donkey, she won me over with that quote of the night. And I know I shouldn’t be manipulated by her woe-is-me-I’m-doing-this-on-a-bi-coastal-schedule-and-taking-care-of-an-infant crying routine but, dang it! I actually felt a little sorry for her. At least Crazy Face Ethan is giving her plenty of support (ostensibly right before he murders her). I don’t think her East Coast family is going to miss her for too much longer; she is capitol T Terrible as a dancer and dressing like a psychotic Minnie Mouse doesn’t help. Judge Blah told her “heavy is the crown” (huh?) and Dick remains the best thing about this show by asking her “Can I call you Polka Dot Polly?” The judges give them a 33.

Brandon and Keauna

During their practice session Brandon takes Keauna to a roller rink and he literally skates circles around her. He is a charm MACHINE and he and Keauna are great together… which makes me wish he was actually a star. They performed a fun, funky tango marred only by Keauna’s sartorial choice of dressing like a cyborg teen runaway. Johnny gives them a big ol’ “YE-ESSS!” and Dick reverts to father figure and tells Brandon to stand up straight. The judges give them the high score of the night, a 49.

Sean and Denis

Sean surprises all by actually being the best dressed in a cute 40’s inspired Hollywood Canteen outfit. She gave us two delightfully big falls, including one that left her on her back, legs akimbo, and it was sooo entertaining! She was so shocked by the falls that she almost made an expression! Damn it, I’m gonna miss you Sean Young!

Rebecca and Fred

OMG, I just noticed that Fred is twelve years old. Seriously, he’s a child! This is going to make the sexier dance moves really uncomfortable to watch. Rebecca was clearly nervous during her tough as hell tango routine and her movements were a little bit stiff, but she did a pretty good job and didn’t make any mistakes despite having the hardest routine of the night. Johnny told her he wanted to see more sex kitten and less bored malaise but, that wasn’t boredom Johnny, that was determination not to nervously throw up all over the ice. Dick came on strong and told Rebecca “Seduce me; I’m old enough that nobody knows it means anything.” RRRROWWW! Rebecca took out a restraining order and the judges gave her a 44.

And just an aside before I say goodnight… I can’t quantify HOW much I hate Vernon Kay. Can we start a facebook campaign to replace him with someone else (ANYONE ELSE) by next week? Work with me, America!

Culture Skating With The Stars: Goodbye Sean Young, The Blade Runner Gets Cut!