Someone call in Dr. Feelgood, because Vince is going Home Sweet Home and I think there’s someone Smoking In The Boys Room. Boom! Seamless Motley Crue reference trifecta. I rule!

Much like Sean’s elimination last week I can’t help but feel glad for Vince who finally gets to escape this nightmare landscape of trauma and almost certain injury. Vince got away with doing the absolute least possible amount of skating that he was ever gonna get away with. He phoned it in every performance and used most of his energy just trying his damnedest to stay vertical. Now he can walk away with 5% of his remaining dignity in tact.

Tonight’s theme is Love Skating, or something. They weren’t terribly clear about it. All I know is every pair had to “tell a story” (none of them did) and incorporate a new technical requirement: a jump that must land cleanly on one foot which, surprisingly, all of them did.

There was some added drama this week as both Brandon and Brooke were rushed to the hospital earlier in the day. Brooke because her partner BLADED HER HAND… yeah, you heard me. Bladed her hand! More on that later. Brandon’s ailment was unspecified but it definitely entailed him being carted away on an ambulance while vomiting his guts out. (Thanks to ABC for blurring out the puke).

The outfits today are slightly less hideous, even Johnny Weir is less Bea Arthur and more Joan Crawford this week. Big improvement.

Here’s the breakdown:

Rebecca and Fred (judges score: 50)

While describing herself as a performer Rebecca keeps putting the word “acting” in “quotes” which means she’s much more self aware than most soap “stars” about her “profession.”  Their routine definitely looks like the toughest of the night and Rebecca completes all the skating elements pretty easily, although she’s clearly nervous and a bit shaky during the performance. At one point she takes off a glittery purple shrug and drapes it over Dick’s head. During judging, Dick thanks her for flirting with him during her routine and the world has a new creepy love story to follow.

Bethenny and Crazyface (judges score: 36)

“I’ll get through you with a blade up your ass.”

Oh how I adore you, you big brash New York babe! Bethenny keeps stealing quote of the night honors away from Dick Button and is quickly becoming the most compelling reason to watch this show. I don’t even care that her performance was boring and wooden or that she stole her outfit from the Nancy Kerrigan 1995 collection, I’m kind of loving her anyway. Tonight sparked the beginning of a feud between Bethenny and Johnny Weir who totally boss checked her during panel with “we’re to help you, not hate you” Well that soundbite would have been more convincing if he hadn’t sneered during scoring as he handed her double 6’s. Meow!

Vince and Jennifer (judges score: 36)

Jennifer violates about 12 laws by exposing a group of children to Vince. She takes him to a kids skating class to teach him the basics, but that doesn’t stop him from doing almost nothing during their performance. He seriously makes Jennifer do 95% of the routine while he just stands there… which is kind of a genius move. I bet I could get pretty damn far on this show if I just stood on the ice and swayed while my partner (ideally Brian Boitano) skated around me. Johnny vies for Best Judge by telling Vince not to give us the ‘ol claw hand and then proceeding to show us what a ‘claw hand’ looks like. Adorable! But he is, once again, bested by Dick who gives us these nuggets of awesomeness: “I’m the TSA of figure skating and I see the talent in you!” and “Heavy metal is not that different from gold medal” Awe.Some.

Jonny and Brooke (judges score: 51)

Their routine is based on “forbidden love”, really guys? Why not just call your routine “Hey Everybody, We’re Totally Doing It” Their off-the-ice banter is so full of tension I wanted to scream at them through the screen to get a room already. And, just like that, they go to a secluded ski lodge to ‘practice’ Mmm hmm! Their routine sizzles with sex and Jonny does a pretty good job of acting as well as skating. Also, it has to be said that Brooke is a damn trooper! During a rehearsal Jonny fully runs over her hand and slices her fingers to the bone with his skate and she just took it without so much as a yelp. In fact she kept so quiet he just kept on skating like an ass until he realized that his partner was bleeding all over the other side of the rink.

Brandon and Keauna

Because of Brandon’s “illness” (if it turns out to be alcohol poisoning I’m going to be very upset) he couldn’t skate and they showed a video of their last rehearsal instead. Even though she didn’t perform Keauna still had on her costume (which looked like what a slutty mermaid would wear to the disco) and was nearly in tears while watching the video of what looked like a pretty solid (if a little boring) routine. Johnny tells her that his scores are going to reflect the fact that Brandon didn’t have the cojones to just come and perform with a barf bag ties around his mouth. Which is kind of a dick move considering that the poor kid was in THE HOSPITAL! Despite Weir’s coldness they still got higher scores than Bethenny and Vince…ouch!

And just when I think the damn show is over and they can finally get to eliminations… Skating With The Stars has to go and prove that it is, without a doubt, the lamest show on television. What happens next is so ridiculous and so supremely lame that my brain stopped for a minute in an act of self preservation. Tanith Belben and her partner Ben perform to “There’s a Place For Us” from the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack. So now this show is giving us ice skating commercials for a movie about some kids and a talking lion. And, just when I think it can’t get worse, a group of back up skaters (is that a thing?) dressed as characters from the movie come out and dance around them and I was so embarrassed for them and for myself that I almost forgot to breathe. Next week I’m bring a bottle of tequila to this party.

Culture Skating With The Stars: Vince Neil Gets Paroled, er, Eliminated