Trevor Strnad’s Deadspeak: Two Tour Tips
Black Dahlia Murder frontman Trevor Strnad is back again, folks, and this time, he’s here with some helpful hints for struggling bands, trying not to starve while out there on tour. It is another installment of Deadspeak, and as usual, it is awesome.
Here are some valuable tour tips for you fledgling musicians out there on tour, trying to get by on as little money as possible. They aren’t necessarily legal, but neither is weed and lord knows you’ve already smoked some in the back of your rusted-out conversion van and now you are hungry like the wolf.
The theft (or ‘free onsite consumption’ as we call it in the biz) of gas station hotdogs is a great and easy move to fill your belly when the dollars are tight. Allow me to set the scene: it’s 1 p.m. and you and your throng of black-clad men have descended upon the aisles of Mobile Gas Station’s Starvin’ Marvin mini-mart to collect the snacks that will hold you over until you hit Nowheresville, Pennsylvania, in a few hours. The more people that are with you the better, as the commotion will serve as a perfect distraction from the scandalous and dastardly deeds you are about to undertake. I should mention that this plan is specifically for self-serve hotdog situations and will definitely not work in a clerk-aided scenario (see: hotdogs/taquitos/etc. at 7-11) as the most important thing is to not be seen with the delicious meat product by the red-shirted staff.
Firstly, one most dispose of any kind of packaging that may have come with the hotdog…usually it’s a little foil thing that the bun comes in. Toss that sucker into the trash and prepare your dog as normal (I like mine with excessive ketchup and mustard with a dab of sweet relish for good measure). When you are finished augmenting your wiener, you should head back to the drink coolers and proceed to mull over what drink to get while nonchalantly eating the shit out of that stolen yum-yum. Any pedestrians who see you eating a hot dog whilst pining over the drinks will just think you a fat ass and pay no second mind. When the hotdog has been properly slammed, be sure to erase any condiment evidence that may have soiled your face, especially if you plan on approaching the counter to legitimately purchase other goods, which I strongly encourage to insure success.
I have never once been caught using this method, but I have prepared myself for that possibility with this simple response: “I’m sorry, I forgot!” No harm, no foul…seems innocent enough during a major snack raid. I have even gone so far as to return to the grill for a second dog…what a sick bastard I’ve become.
My second method is a bit more shady and is only recommended in times of dire need. I have only been a part of this heist once, but it worked very well and saved Black Dahlia’s broke and starving asses one hot summer day in the scorching Floridian heat. Here’s what you do: find a grocery store (a nice big one like Publix, Ralph’s, Pathmark, etc.) that sees a lot of customer traffic; one where they’ll be bagging your groceries for you. First and foremost, you’ll need to look around outside for an abandoned receipt from earlier that day (plenty of people drop or toss their receipts aside in the parking lot, it shouldn’t be too difficult).
The ideal receipt should feature a number of items — enough to fill the average cart to the brim. Find a few items on the receipt that are in succession that will add up to a decent amount of money (for us, it was like $30 worth of stuff) and circle the items with a pen. These circled items are what you will claim as being ‘lost’ during the bagging process, which apparently actually happens quite a bit in the grocery game. The idea is to make it appear as though one solitary bag of food has gone astray, for which you would like to be compensated. It may help to call first and complain before showing up with the receipt. Have one lone person take the receipt into the store and request to speak with management. A few minutes later, you’ll be out in the parking lot laughing with your friends with a phat amount of store credit in your clutches, which you will in turn use to buy even more hotdogs, beer, Yoo-hoo’s…whatever should tickle your fancy.
I encourage you to proceed with extreme caution; I wouldn’t want to see any of you guys in an orange jump suit. Good luck out there, young road warriors. Be careful and tempt not the fates. Stay tuned for a seminar on Gold Bond powder application, the importance of multiple axle trailers, and how to masturbate into a sock in your sleeping bag and not get caught.
Don’t forget to sign up for the Gun Shy Assassin Newsletter, and be entered into a drawing for a Black Dahlia Murder skateboard deck, autographed by Gun Shy Assassin scribe Trevor Strnad. Just head to the top of the page to sign up. And if you have already signed up, be sure to confirm your membership, or you’ll get nothing.