Rhode Island-based blackened death metallers Vital Remains need a new guitarist. “We are looking for a pro lead guitarist with good gear and [a] good attitude. Must have valid passport, valid driver’s license and clean criminal record!”
No serial rapists!
“If you are chosen, you must relocate to Rhode Island,” which, depending on how you look at it, is a blessing or a curse. “Must be able to tour anytime, anywhere, without question.”
Of course, the band doesn’t want “druggies, junkies, pot-heads, burnouts, drunks, posers, lazy, pussy-whipped motherfuckers” applying for the gig and I can’t say I blame them. Sounds like they’ve had problems in the past with such nefarious characters.
“Also, no dead-beats with their hands out need apply as well! Team players only. We are looking for a long-term dedicated musician who wants to work hard.”
To audition, make a video of yourself playing solos off the songs “Icons of Evil” and “Dechristianize.” Plus, include your bio, a CD of your playing, and your experience.
“If we like what we see, you will be contacted and asked to come out for a live audition. You will be responsible for covering your own flights and living costs while you are here. Only if you are chosen for this gig will you then be reimbursed for flights. All others will have to cover their own flight home. Please send all interested parties and or videos to the following email: email@example.com.”