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Ozzy Wasn’t At Movie Premiere…Why, That Must Mean Black Sabbath Are Getting Back Together

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Ozzy Osbourne
So, Ozzy Osbourne was a no-show for the August 22 premiere of his son’s documentary “God Bless Ozzy Osbourne.”

According to “reports,” Ozzy’s glaring absence at the premiere obviously must mean he’s working in London with the reunited Black Sabbath…for some reason. You don’t think he could take a day or three away from Sabbath to fly out to L.A. to see the fancy Hollywood fucking premiere of a movie about none other than him?

My theory? Even Ozzy doesn’t want to see a movie made by Jack Osbourne.

Feeding the speculation, of course, was former big girl and always big mouth Kelly Osbourne, who, when asked where the fuck her dad was, said, “I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you.”

Of course you know, Kelly. You obviously know what the right thing to say is. You say, “He’s home, in foggy London town.” Not the following, which is what YOU said: “He’s doing something that is very, very exciting. He’s just finished a tour. But he’s doing something very exciting. I’m not allowed to talk about it, though.”

You just talked about it.

What this all means, basically, is Sharon Osbourne is an amazing coach. I bet you just before the kids left for their big movie premiere, she told them exactly what they could say. Why? Because they were probably all like, “Mummy, what shall we tell the red carpet journos when they inquire where daddy is?”

Don’t believe me? I bet you Sharon told Jack — who, alas, has a hot-ass girlfriend — to be more cool about it. This was his response to “Where’s Ozzy?” “I can neither confirm nor deny who he is with or where he is.”

I hope he’s not with another woman. That would be sad. Ozzy and Sharon are, like, the most endearing married couple, now that Will and wannabe metal chick Jada Pinkett Smith are done-so.