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Top Chef: Just Desserts-“Sabotage”

This has nothing to do with this episode. I just miss having contestants on this show that I cared about. Now I'm thinking of writing some Yigit/Johnny slashfic.

As I sit down to write this, I’m genuinely struggling to remember last week’s episode and who got sent home.  This is not a good sign, Just Desserts.  If you can’t give me interesting contestants, just give me an hour of Gail and Johnny ripping on these people for being boring.  Then Johnny can take off his shirt while Gail and I throw dollar bills at him.  Make it rain, Iuzzini.  Make.  It.  Rain.

Apparently Sally and Katzie hate each other.  Who knew?  I can only hope one of them challenges the other to a dance-off.  Quickfire time, and the guest judge is Jordan Kahn; Gail tells us he is known for his use of unlikely ingredients in his desserts.  Gail is also inexplicably dressed like an elementary school librarian from Minnesota.  Is this the LL Bean sponsored Quickfire?   The winning chef gets immunity and $5,000, which Chris helpfully informs us really ups the tension level.  Yes, Christopher, that’s the point.

In a Quickfire in which really nothing sounds particularly appetizing (hey, that’s what happens when you ask people to make dessert with things like burdock root, parsnips and radishes) Sally wins for her mango-turmeric pudding.  I’m sure it was delicious.  Katzie looks like she just swallowed a bug, which at least adds some fun.

For the elimination challenge, Adam Horovitz from The Beastie Boys walk out and Gail explains that the chefs are going to be asked to create a dessert using food that is mentioned in Beastie Boys songs.  That is so gloriously random I actually perk up.  Each chef must take two ingredients and prepare a dessert using them to be served at a street art exhibit.  Megan walks up and chooses Brass Monkey and whiskey.  Matthew goes for whiskey and corn bread.  Carlos goes for popcorn and bacon.  These actually don’t sound too bad.  Chris goes for pizza and pork & beans because…why?  Sally decided on cheddar cheese and prosciutto and her best friend Katzie goes for butter and fries.  Orlando takes white rum and sugar coffee & cream and finally Rebecca takes a 40 and ham.  Then things get interesting (finally): Gail tells the chefs that they will all be taking one more item from the pantry…for another chef.  This just got real, y’all because you know what time it is?  It’s time for Gail Talks to the Producers!

Producer: Hi, Gail, how are things?

Gail:  How are things?  HOW ARE THINGS!?  They’re a snooze, you simpleton.  Have you met these people?  I can barely make my through a sentence in front of them without falling asleep.  I have to focus on Rebecca’s inexplicably neon pink arm cast just to stay awake.

Producer: Oh, well…we have The Beastie Boy challenge coming up so I’m sure that’ll be fun!

Gail: Fun left the building three challenges ago.  I’m looking for something with a pulse.  ANYTHING WITH A PULSE!

Producer: Well, we have this really great idea where the chefs have to use food that the Beasties rapped about-

Gail:  Enough of this idiocy; the chefs will choose food for their opponents.  Then they will be given knives and forced to fight either to the death or until one of them manages to make a comment that elicits one genuine chuckle from me. Top Chef: Just Desserts-Hunger Games!  Now that’s something light a firecracker under this season’s ass. You’re welcome.

Producer: I don’t think…knives…but…

Gail: Are you still here?

Sally goes first and for some reason doesn’t screw over her mortal enemy Katzie and instead gives Carlos a cucumber.  Carlos returns the favor and gives her a whole chicken.  Matthew gives Orlando the peas and Orlando eagerly takes up the torch for Sally and gives Katzie gorgonzola and provolone.  Did these people not see the can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli?  Katzie gives Megan some onions and finally someone shows some initiative and Megan gives Chris the Boyardee.  Finally, Chris gives Matthew mashed potatoes and gravy which he thought was funny at the time and then immediately realized that his bromance might be broken up because of his choice.  He thinks ahead that one.  Then Sally gets to go again and gives Rebecca falafel.

The chefs scramble to make something sweet out of the savory ingredients and before you know it the judges walk in ready to be wowed.  Carlos is up first and has the first dessert this episode that I might want to try: a popcorn panna cotta with bacon caramel and cucumber “air.”  The judges seem to respond well and are in reasonably good moods when they walk up to Orlando’s table to sample his coffee, strawberry and rum parfait with a vanilla cookie…that Johnny nails as store-bought in about 4 seconds.  Orlando’s in trouble and it’s downhill from there.  Megan’s cake is too dry.  Katzie’s sweet pomme frites are either too salty or too sweet.  Rebecca’s panna cotta tastes like garlic and Gail can’t taste the beer in her beer ice cream.  Chris’ pork and bean brownie is the texture of pork and beans but not the flavor…ew.  Saying something is the texture of pork and beans cannot be good.

Judge’s Table rolls around and Gail calls in Katzie, Megan and Rebecca…who are the bottom three.  Oh, now they’re just screwing with these people to keep themselves entertained.  Rebecca feels that she was thrown by the falafel which, again, was the point.  Megan’s cake sat too long.  Katzie had too many options.  None of the judges are getting mean which makes me feel like they just feel bad for the chefs who are being forced to work so far out of their comfort zones it’s outlandish.  The top winds up being Sally, Chris and Matthew; the win goes to Matthew for his mashed potato cheesecake.  Let’s just think about that for a second.  Okay, let’s stop.

Ultimately, Rebecca gets the axe.  It’s anticlimactic.  It would have been much better if they had gone with Gail’s Hunger Games idea.

And some final thoughts.

-It turns out someone named Amanda was eliminated last week.  Sad.

-“I can’t cook to save my life.” “You shouldn’t say that on national television.  On a cooking show.”  Gail is totally getting fed up with these jokers as well.

-Bravo’s poll is “Who do you think is right: Katzie or Sally?”  Right about what?  I don’t even know what they were arguing about.

-Ad Rock’s culinary standpoint: “She f*cked up.”  Succinct.

-Tonight’s Top Chef: Just Desserts was brought to me by some killer chocolate ice cream from Karloff.  It’s the best, people, trust me.