Brian Fair’s That First Step’s A Doozy: Apocalypse Upon Us
Months ago, I shamelessly emailed Brian Fair of Shadows Fall, Death Ray Vision, and Overcast, begging him to grace Gun Shy Assassin with his voice. He agreed. I told him I understood if it took him a while to find inspiration, what with Shadows Fall writing a new album and Brian being newly wed. The other night, that inspiration came. Here is Brian’s first column for GSA — enjoy!
There have been many theories and prophecies handed down throughout the years regarding the end of the world as we know it. When fire and brimstone arise and the world sinks into a pit of darkness, despair and eternal suffering.
Well my friends, I am sorry to say that day is upon us. The seven seals have finally broken but it did not come in the form of blood red skies blocking out the sun or from undead horsemen descending from the heavens, unleashing thunder and lightening. It took a more brutal and unexpected form then any human could have imagined.
The final sign of the apocalypse is the fact that THE RED SOX BLEW A NINE GAME LEAD FOR THE WILD CARD IN SEPTEMBER TO THE TAMPA BAY RAYS!!! THE FUCKING RAYS!!!
Now, some may think that I am overstating this tragic event but I have to disagree. The only way such an epic collapse of such a team as my beloved Red Sox could come about is if there were darker powers at work.
I mean, think about it. A team like the Tampa Bay Rays are such pussies they decided to drop the word “Devil” from their name and suddenly, they achieve some small degree of success. You may think that points to them being agents of good and purity but I call shenanigans!!! Many prophecies of the apocalypse point to a wolf in sheep’s clothing as the one who will bring about the fall of man. By dropping the ‘Devil” from their name, the Rays are that agent of the devil, sent up from hell to deceive the world and bring about it’s destruction.
They play the role as the underdog/new kids on the block but in fact, they are the vile hand of old scratch himself, spreading evil throughout the land.
Another common theme in apocalyptic prophecies is the idea that a group of the most wealthy and powerful will infect the world with their influence, spreading corruption, greed and overindulgence that will weaken the world, leaving it vulnerable. My friends, I give you the New York Yankees.
If the Yankees had not laid down like dirty, sissy dogs and let the Rays continue their march towards the world’s end, we could have avoided annihilation and all gone on our merry way. But no.
They trotted out minor leaguers and jobbers, allowing this tragedy to continue, leaving our heroes — The Red Sox — trapped in the abyss, unable to save the world and bring another World Series trophy to it’s rightful home in Boston. They gave up a seven-run lead in the 8th inning, breaking the final seal and unleashing the dogs of hell upon the Earth.
These are not opinions, people. These are hard, cold facts based on centuries of writings, Biblical studies and research. The Rays are agents of the devil, bent on destroying the world. It is the only explanation for how a team with as much talent and payroll as the Sox could collapse from a nine-game lead in September. Nothing else makes sense. Maybe this is all a dream….
Fuck it. None of this matters any way. Because even when we lose, Boston is still better than you!