Holy shit, understatement of the year!

That would be like saying vagina — lovely, delicious, amazing vagina — feels “pretty good.” Lulu — the result of a collaboration between Metallica and Lou Reed I like to refer to as Metallouca — is going to be different on so many levels; I can already tell it’s going to make our worst of the year least come January.

In a new interview transcribed by Blabbermouth — and we thank you for that — James Hetfield explained as Metallica parted with Lou after an evening together at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, Reed “just yelled down the hallway as we were leaving, ‘We should do a record together.’ And we thought, ‘Yeah, right. Is he talking to us?’ But he was serious. He had told us that we’re the band he always wanted to have. And I agreed — Metallica is the band I always wanted to have as well.”

Yuck, yuck, yuck. When asked about fan’s concerns that the album will suck harder than a fat kid trying to summon a freshly-blended chocolate milkshake up a bendy straw, Hetfield said, “It’s definitely different. This is not the new Metallica studio record. This is Lulu. And that’s why we named it Lulu — it’s not Metallica [and] it’s not Lou Reed.”

No — it’s Metallouca. “It’s us together making something called Lulu,” which is French, I hear, for “shit from a whore.”

“I’m sure there’s some Metallica fans that will think that ‘This is the new Metallica record. I don’t like it. I’m scared.’ And it’s not. This is a project that was presented to us that we wanted to challenge ourselves with. I mean, there’s some great riffs on there. There’s not a lot of singing from me on it. [It’s] Lou and his lyrics, with us writing background music for Lou. So that’s what we did. There will be fans that it will be difficult for them to understand, but we can’t stop being Metallica, we can’t stop exploring what we wanna do as an artist. We don’t like limiting ourselves. But we’re not doing it just to mess with the fans; that’s for sure. If they don’t like it, wait until the next record where we’re fully focused on Metallica, which we’re actually writing right now.”

New Metallica on the way. Yipp–oh man, who am I kidding? I don’t care at all. This Metallouca “Lulu” business has really kind of killed it for me, Metallica dudes. I think I’m done. Not reporting news of your band, but caring about it.

Home Entertainment Metallica’s Hetfield Says Lulu “Definitely Different”