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No Reasons Yet To Attend Warped Tour

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Chelsea Grin
I’m going to age myself here, but I was at the fucking first Warped Tour.

At Nassau Coliseum. With Deftones, Orange 9MM, Civ, Quicksand, Sick Of It All, L7, Face To Face, and Sublime. I was at the second Warped, with Beck and Fishbone, and the third, where Limp Bizkit and Blink-182 were the opening acts. I was at the fourth Warped at Action Park, and hung out with Rocket From The Crypt. I am no stranger to Warped Tour.

Have I been to a Warped Tour since the 1990s? One. I covered one for MTV News once, and it was one of the most annoying assignments ever. These Warped Tour bands live like kings, barbecuing all day and getting hand and blowjobs all over the place.

But Warped’s lineups have been shit since the early days. Yes, they have been infusing more metal-ish bands on the bill lately, but they’d never actually introduce kids to a real, true metal act…that’s what Mayhem is for. I kid.

So far, there isn’t a single reason to attend the 2012 Warped Tour. Five bands were announced this week, and my immediate response was to shrug and shart myself. It was a solid shart. Shit started dripping down the back of my legs on the way to the bathroom. A serious shart.

Who is on the bill? Bayside, Chelsea Grin, Memphis May Fire, The Silver Comet and Sleeping With Sirens.

See, I told you. No reason to attend. Likely won’t be one, either.