I'm hungry
No offense ladies, but fake breasts are weak sauce. I don’t care how nice they look, how perky they are, or how hidden the scars are — if I grab your sweet chesticles and there is even the slightest hint of resistance, that’s no good.

It’s false advertising, you know what I mean. Almost worse than bra stuffing; Last spring, I hooked up with a girl who I thought was easily a C at the restaurant, but miraculously turned into maybe an A cup at her place. Fake boobs are almost worse, but not worse. That’s worse.

What does this have to do with Every Time I Die and/or Terror? Nothing, on the surface. But when I think of an Every Time I Die show, I think of those girls with the overdone makeup who hang near the VIP area. The girls with the headbands and the fucking wild shit in their hair, rocking T-shirts they use belts to convert into skirts, with their big, obviously fake tits hanging out. So, there’s that.

But yes, Every Time I Die — a band that makes me want to die — will headline a three-week run of shows with Terror, Stray From The Path, and Former Thieves.

Those dates follow after the jump, blood.

Bottom line: Ladies, just be grateful for what you’ve got. Work out and make that shit tight, but implants? If you’re with a truly heterosexual man, the size of your tits won’t matter. The size of that vaginal canal, however…that’s a different story altogether.

Every Time I Die tour dates:
2/17: Brooklyn, NY @ Knitting Factory
2/18: Syracuse, NY @ Lost Horizon
2/19: South Burlington, VT @ Higher Ground
2/20: Montreal, QC @ Club Soda
2/21: Toronto, ON @ Opera House
2/23: Thunder Bay, ON @ Crocks
2/24: Winnipeg, MB @ West End Cultural Centre
2/26: Saskatoon, SK @ Louis
2/27: Edmonton, AB @ Avenue
2/28: Calgary, AB @ The Den
2/29: Spokane, WA @ Epicenter
3/2: Colorado Springs, CO @ The Black Sheep
3/3: Wichita, KS @ the Scene-ary
3/4: Tulsa, OK @ The Marquee
3/5: Memphis, TN @ Newby’s
3/6: Mobile, AL @ Alabama Music Box
3/7: Knoxville, TN @ The Valarium
3/8: Huntington, WV @ V Club Live

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