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Bat Pisses In Torche Guitarist’s Eye; Film At 11

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Andrew in the hospital
This is some fucking crazy shit right here, my friends. Makes you look at bats in a whole different light.

Torche guitarist Andrew Elstner claims that last week, he was treated for a potential rabies infection after a bat used his eye like it was a urinal.

A bat pissed in his fucking eye. Yup.

Eisner put on Facebook recently: “Ok so… A bat peed in my eye. Whether or not you think I’m telling the truth is irrelevant at this point. What I’m worried about now is rabies. A bat. It pissed into my eye. Gold [sic] help me.”

Some followers called bullshit, saying it was an early April Fool’s Joke. So dude came back with a more detailed version of this unusual tail.

“This story is true and a simple one: I housed the James Leg guys at the old house where I used to live in Wildwood,” he writes.

“For those unaware, this house was built in 1824 and rests on 70+ acres, and my old roomie who still lives here leaves the back door open so his dogs came roam at will. The dogs are awesome, btw. When we first arrive, it’s almost 4am and I’m showing Mat Gaz the house, ‘Ok, check it out… Here’s the kitchen. And here’s like a family room type deal…’ I switch on the overhead light/ceiling fan combo and what I think at first is a shadow being cast from the spinning fan blades turns out to be a freaking bat. It circles the room a few times at light speed, and on one of the turns, dive bombs my head and squirts a little nervous pee into my eye. Holy shit. I’m laughing but run to the sink and attempt to flush my eye out. I’m pretty sure I’m fine but… Not the most common of occurrences.”

Rabies is no joke, dude. I once found a ‘coon in my backyard, spitting up and heaving like a bastard. I went to put him out of his misery, and he looked up at me with those black, beady little eyes, and lunged for me like a zombie. So I stabbed it in the skull with a screwdriver, like I would a zombie.

“Rabies Control and CDC people are telling me I need shots, specifically for the reason I imagined: it could’ve been saliva AND I slept in the same house with it, could’ve bitten me in my sleep! What?! I wish I was making this shit up. My info and story were just now faxed to the CDC in Atlanta. Whaaaat!?!?”

Dude. Later, he followed up with this.

“So the rabies saga continues… Currently in the emergency room at St. Luke’s to start rabies vaccination. Such a long dumb story. Extremely slim odds that I’m at risk, but… With rabies, you have a short window to get treated, and beyond that, it is incurable and 100% fatal. Having said all that, I feel like I’m getting treated for a unicorn bite. Bunch of nonsense.”

I guess that means I have to stop using that saying “Here’s to bat piss in your eye.” It’s not a good thing.

Bat piss. I know bat shit is “guano,” but what’s bat piss called?