Gun Shy Assassin Presents The Worst Of 2012
Another year is in the books, folks. And holy shit, what a fucking insane year it was for the metal world — meaning it was a fucking crazy year for the crew here at GunShyAssassin.
Randy Blythe spent a month in a Prague prison on bogus manslaughter charges, Jesse Leach returned to Killswitch Engage, and every band seemed to get into a horrific bus crash. Roadrunner shit the bed, Shannon Lucas hopped the Black Dahlia Murder ship, Dave Mustaine pissed everyone off with his ignorant opinions, and both Refused and Quicksand reunited for some shows. Lostprophets’ singer was arrested for trying to fuck a baby, Black Sabbath were dicks to Bill Ward, Mitch Lucker bit the big one, Carcass revealed a new record was coming, and we started the year off with a site update most of you loved, but some hated.
As we look back on the year that was, one realizes that much like 2011, the past year has been chock full of solid, important releases from the likes of Nachtmystium, Pig Destroyer, Sylosis, Lamb of God, Gojira, Vision of Disorder, Marduk, Cattle Decapitation, Devin Townsend and The Deftones, to name just a few. But as you well know, with the good comes the shit. And 2012 was not immune to its fair share of shit. Which brings us to now. It’s time to assess, people.
While every other site does their token “best of the year” lists that reward bands for essentially not completely blowing, we don’t believe in further glorifying albums you’ve likely already heard and know are the fucking tits. Instead, we like to highlight the garbage, because A.) It’s way more fun and B.) No one else has the fucking balls to do it. These other sites are run by pussies.
For our 2012 list, some of the choices are fucking super obvious, while others maybe not so obvious. Either way, if there’s anyone we forgot on our list, then by all means let us know in the comments section below or head on over to GSA’s Facebook page, where the smack talk goes on unfiltered at all hours of the day. And if you like HellYeah, well, use the comments section to blast us for having shitty taste and looking like a Canadian pop star. Because we haven’t heard it all at this point.
Enough build up. Let us continue our tradition with the Worst of 2012.
10. At first, I thought I was just confused or hallucinating. There was no way in hell Nile’s At The Gate of Sethu could be this shitty. Initially, I convinced myself this record was decent. Definitely not worse than, say, the new Kiss record, right?
But the more I listened to Sethu, the more annoyed I was by it. Why annoyed? I felt as though I had been hoodwinked. Nile has consistently fluffed my chode with their impressive style of technical death metal. But this record was different.
It feels frantic and disorganized, and sounds totally fucking sloppy. This album is literally all over the place, and now, when I think about it, I get that same nauseous feeling thinking about that last Morbid Angel release summons. I’m sorry, but this album could have been ten times better than what it ended up being: Weak sauce.
9. Firewind are pure pussy rock. You can not listen to their music and feel masculine, I’m sorry. Few Against Many contains some of the most idiotic lyrics I have ever fucking heard in all my fucking life. Journey’s music has more balls to it than this tripe.
I swear, if you listen to this music regularly, there is no possible way you like vagina. I listened to the song “Edge of a Dream” and it literally reduced my testosterone levels.
I couldn’t get an erection for a week after enduring that shit. “Few Against Many,” the title track, almost drove me to listen to Lil Wayne and just give up on guitar-centric music entirely for the rest of my natural life, which may not end up being forever, as I had initially hoped. If you own a Firewind shirt, I feel bad for you. Burn that shit immediately, or you are not losing your virginity unless you pay to.
8. When I first heard who was involved with Storm Corrosion, I knew I had to hear the self-titled debut album stat. And it’s not that this album is bad, necessarily. It’s just I was expecting so much more from it. Or perhaps something totally different.
Storm Corrosion was one of the few records I actually spent my own money on this year, and it was a decision I regretted 50 minutes later.
It’s mostly instrumental and mellow as fuck; literally a great record to listen to if you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to sleep it away. There’s all sorts of strange instruments on it that don’t work well together, and experimental noise that ends up coming across as more annoying that innovating.
I feel like the record does not do anything to highlight or offer substantive proof of either Mikael Åkerfeldt’s or Steven Wilson’s immense talents. Look, I’m no ignoramus. I’m open to people trying new things. This just didn’t work.
7. Ministry are one of those bands I loved as a teenager, but wish would go away now that I’m an adult. Relapse was a piece of shit.
Fuck, was I a huge fan of Psalm 69! And I was a big fan of Al Jourgensen’s voice. But he has lost me over the last few years with these last few albums. I’m out. I’m done. Never again will I listen to Ministry.
Al, just go away. You’re old. Take up a hobby or something. Go golfing with Alice Cooper. Pick up fishing or woodworking. Something. Just stop punishing us with your subpar industrial metal horseshit and drop that undeserved rock star attitude, you hack!
6. Lacuna Coil’s Dark Adrenaline is easily the year’s most boring release. If you ask me, it’s unlistenable. I can’t believe people actually risked being sued just to download this shit.
When will Lacuna Coil stop releasing the same album? Never? That’s what I thought. It’s sort of sad how badly Lacuna Coil want to be Evanescence. Its so obvious and pathetic. The title track to this albyn makes me wish I had no ears.
Thank some higher power Cristina Scabbia’s face isn’t busted, and she’s got curves for days. Otherwise, people would have stopped caring about this band ten years ago.
5. What can be said about Band of Brothers, the new HellYeah album, that you haven’t already thought? I actually forced myself to listen to this album, and determined it’s cheesy, derivative, predictable, ignorant, and ultimately, dumb.
I imagine this music serves as the soundtrack to klan meetings. The lyrics could have been written by a lobotomized five year old. This band is cock rock at it’s most damaging.
The more output HellYeah produces, the more respect I lose for Vinnie Paul. It’s amazing how that happens.
4. Ill Niño’s Epidemia was a colossal piece of shit. Suffering through this album, I can’t help but feel like this is the sound of dudes with no talent trying too hard. And failing.
See, kids? Nu metal still receives label funding, even if its a dead genre. Seriously, this music — especially the track “Bleed Like You” — is cringeworthy. There is nothing awesome about what these dudes are up to.
They just need to stop already. Time to grow up and get real jobs already, Ill Niño! Making music is not your calling. When you do it, it’s a crime punishable by castration.
3. Fozzy this year released an album called Sin and Bones; don’t forget, a professional wrestler fronts this band so they’ve got to be good, right? No.
This is what I imagine people listen to in third world countries, because they simply don’t have any other fucking options.
This is dudecore crossed with cock rock, and it’s all bad. This album wouldn’t even have been good during the 1980s.
There’s a song on the record with Avenged Sevenfold’s M. Shadows, and it is basically audio arsenic. The opener, “Spider In My Mouth,” deserves to be laughed at. I can not believe Century Media actually thought it was a good idea to sign this shit.
Fozzy is what I imagine Steel Panther strives to emulate, and that’s not a good thing.
2. All That Remains’ A War You Cannot Win may deserve to be tops on this list. It is a well-produced LP? Yes. But it’s actually sad, as I listen to this poop, how hard the album’s trying to be Alive or Just Breathing, especially on the song “Down Through The Ages.”
Listen to that song, and tell me Phil doesn’t wish he was the singer of Killswitch. Seriously.
Labonte uses so much autotune on this record. Why? He does not have a good singing voice. When he screams, it sounds like a squirrel raping a turd.
There is nothing new going on here. These guys make music designed to appeal to meatheads. That’s what this album is. Radio-friendly meathead metal at its best. I’d almost say this is worse than anything Five Finger Death Punch has ever done, but I feel like those dudes are at least genuine about being bad.
All That Remains are writing generic songs they think dimwitted people will love. And its working. It’s just boring, boring, boring pop music.
The only redeeming quality to the music — if forced to identify one — is the guitars. There is some very adept playing going on, but it sounds like even the guitarist is bored with these compositions.
1. Emmure’s Slave to the Game is easily the year’s biggest pile of dookie. It’s bands like this that give the uninformed a bad impression of what metal is. The vocals are amount to little more than senseless screaming. There isn’t even melody or purpose behind these screams.
Emmure is screamo horseshit, plain and simple. These guys will undoubtedly go down as the Limp Bizkit of this past decade of music. Just a fucking laughing stock of a band that only the mentally disabled can appreciate.
I have a feeling we’ll be making fun of them for years to come. Listening to this album, at times I can’t even figure out why I hate it so much, but I do.
Basically, Emmure’s doing nothing that hasn’t already been done. This is tough guy pussy-core that’s just one step above Disturbed on the douche scale. If you like Emmure, I have only one question for you: Does it tickle the back of your throat when you deepthroat random dudes at truck stops?