I don’t understand why HIM is good. And before you tell me to listen to this or that record, believe me: I have given them a chance.

I could literally feel my penis shrinking back into my body as I listened to them. HIM are awful.

But some of you may want to know that Razor & Tie just signed the band.

HIM has completed work on their forthcoming new studio album, Tears On Tape, which will be released on April 30.

HIM are depressing, like The Cure or The Smiths. Somehow, though, I don’t feel like a complete whiny pussy bitch who cries into his fucking panties all day whenever I listen to The Cure and The Smiths.

HIM lead vocalist Ville Valo commented on the deal: “We’re infernally glad to be dressed sharply enough for our dearest comrades in the U.S.(for once), R&T A-Go-Go!!!”

That man sniffs cocaine. He must.

World famous A&R megamaster Mike Gitter, who signs bands once they’ve built up something of a following on other labels, adds: “Few artists are able to tap into rock at its most emotional and forlorn and make it sound so damn uplifting and powerful. That’s Ville Valo and HIM’s stock-in-trade. They take the rawest of emotions and channel them into unforgettable anthems- invoking the spirit of great rock and roll in the process.”

Please. These guys make vaginas wilt.

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  • I hope you know that there isn’t a person on this planet who gives a shit about your opinion.

    That being said, thanks for doing your job and reporting news. Next time leave your opinion out of it. You’re a columnist, you’re not paid to offer opinion. You’re paid to report the news.

    • christhescribe

      Actually, that’s not how this site works…