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Onslaught Releasing Sixth Album Next Month

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Man, I will never understand women. Ever.

I know this is a common male problem but these chicks, man…they’re fucking confounding.

This has nothing to do with Onslaught, but the British thrash act will release their sixth album, VI, on September 20 through AFM Records.

Anyways, so, I’m fairly recently single and have, in the last two months, had some experiences with women that I just don’t understand.

Allow me to vent, if you will.

I was seeing this one broad, and things seemed good for a while. She had a fabulous smile and face, with a kick-ass rack and curves in all the right places. Financially secure, emotionally stable, and smart, she was a keeper, in my opinion.

Even if she sucked at giving head and played with her hair constantly. I was willing to look past that shit.

Then, all of a sudden, she starts acting all pissed, and tells me one of her friends was on some fucking dating site and it suggested moi as a possible match.

I was on this dating site years ago when I wasn’t drinking and was working so much, I felt I would never be able to meet babes. I guess when you end your subscription, they don’t pull your profile from the candidate pool. What sucks, though, is that this fucking site is telling people with access to my long-dormant profile that I’ve been active recently.

Not the case, but this chick didn’t believe me and thought I was looking for something better, and so that was that.

Then, I meet this broad at a bar, hit it off with her, and told her after several hours of laughter and flirting that I needed to give her my number. She responds, “No, let me give you mine.” I figured I was in there like swimwear.

But after a brief exchange via text, this chick — again, beautiful face, great cans — falls off the face of the planet and just isn’t responding anymore.

Why give me your fucking number if you were going to be such a dick? You could have just taken my number, and never gotten in touch. I would have preferred that.

Or you could have lied and told me you have a boyfriend. Or been — dare I suggest it — honest and told me you weren’t interested. Instead, you gave me your number, got my fucking hopes up, and then disappeared. I guess some chicks are just into mind fucking and mind fucks only.

Finally, I start seeing this other chick, and freak out a bit because things are progressing so fast (and because I’m a mental case); I prematurely put a halt to it. But I had a change of heart, and next thing I know, we’re talking again and things seem to be going well.

Until one day, and she just stops texting back. Eventually, she lets me know that she doesn’t think the time is right to be dating anyone, which probably means she’s met someone else.

Oh, and I almost forgot about the girl who insisted I give her my number at a show some weeks back, only to inform me recently that very same night we met, she ended up boning one of the dudes in one of the bands we’d just watch perform.


I am so fucking confused, I feel like I’m suffering from a head injury or something because nothing makes any fucking sense to me.

Someone asked me the other night why have I not been able to parlay this site into a fotch foraging opportunity, and I don’t know the answer to that. Like, what am I doing?

Ladies, if you’re in the New York City area and hate drama and game playing, email me. It’s time to find my lid.