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Guest Column: Three Terrible Movies You Need To See By Shroud Eater's Janette Valentine

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Guest Column
After Dustin Boltjes of Skeletonwitch contributed a column on must-see horror flicks, we decided to open the topic up to the members of other bands. Why? Well, in addition to music and literature, we’re huge movie buffs and feel maybe your life could benefit from a big screen broadening. So here for you now is a column from Janette Valentine, a member of Shroud Eater.

I love bad movies. I’ve been indulging my unsavory cinematic cravings since I was a teenager working at a video store. Terrible covers lure me in. The cheesier they are, the more exciting they become. And oh, the anticipation as the credits painfully roll, giving you a slight glimpse at the shit-rollercoaster that lies ahead.
 
I salute all the people that have painstakingly worked with little to no budget (or experience) to leave their mark in bad cinema history. It takes a lot of guts and a rotten imagination to make an awesomely bad movie. 
 
While there’s a huge list of terrible movies that I personally love and think everyone should watch, I’ve pulled three guilty pleasures that I absolutely stand behind. First on this list is the notoriously bad “Troll 2.” 

This movie has gained a cult-following and a documentary has been made about how awesomely bad this movie is. Terrible acting, an awful script and “special effects,” plus not a troll in sight. Dump all this into a blender along with the world’s dumbest family vacationing in a small town called “NILBOG” and prepare to be entertained. 

They soon learn the town is inhabited by, yes, goblins. Vegetarian goblins at that, and they are plotting to…well, I’m not gonna give that away. Watch this dumb movie. It is one of THE worst movies ever made.

The second movie that everyone should watch, especially if you’re inebriated is “Miami Connection.” Based on the cover alone, this movie’s got it all. Action, guns, eighties ladies, ninjas, palm trees, and neon lights. Party. And party they will.

One of the best/worst things about this movie is producer Y.K. Kim’s (taekwondo master and motivational speaker) synth-rock band “Dragon Sound.” Just when you thought the drug dealers with their “stupid cocaine” and the killer ninjas would win their turf war, “Dragon Sound” uses the power of positively hammy and bubbly songs suitable for 3rd graders, to remind you about how awesome friendship and courage are. This movie is super fun at sucking.

Last but certainly not least on my list of terrible shit you should watch is quite the gem. 

This (wtf?) cinematic masterpiece features Filipino actor “Weng Weng” in his adaption of the James Bond character in “For Your Eyes Only”.  Weng Weng shocks and awes on-screen as “Agent 00” in “For Your Height Only.”

Weng Weng leaps and crawls in his Travolta style suit as he fights the drug trade and its warlord “Mr. Giant” (who happens to be a dwarf). And yes, Weng Weng is a midget measuring under three feet. With his arsenal of super “techy” gadgets and heaps of personality, “Agent 00” fights the good fight while sweeping the ladies off their pumps and onto their backs. 

This is by far one of the strangest movies I’ve ever bought. Watch this.