Typically, I write just a few paragraphs so I stay within the “Heavy Metal Done Trite” promise emblazoned on GunShy Assassin’s Facebook page. Today is different, though. I found something that deserves more than just a few paragraphs.
It is a pretty daunting task to mesh metal and humor consistently and artfully. The bands that have attempted comedic metal that come to mind have fallen off at some point and lost their touch.
Dethklok is pretty good as a show, but I can’t just sit and listen to one of their albums all the way through. It’s goofy, and I love it, but it just feels like, “I could be listening to an album that actually means something.”
Austrian Death Machine is amusing for about three songs. Also, ADM seems like it’s essentially a pyramid scheme where Timmy Lambesis gets a bunch of folks who are signed to his label to write songs for him, an endeavor from which he probably profits exponentially more. Also, there’s that alleged murder solicitation, so ADM albums are basically as untouchable as Burzum or Chris Brown records if you are into boycotting the productions of serious criminals.
Steel Panther runs into the same problem that Dethklok does. They are hilarious off-album. Just watch all of their interviews on YouTube. They rule. I can’t imagine forcing myself to sit through an entire album, though. It’s probably difficult to make a spoof hair metal album when the real things is so close to a parody of itself, though, so you gotta give ‘em that. It’s sort of like how Bob Dylan sings like a bad Bob Dylan impersonator. Ya know what I mean? WHO’S THE REAL BOB DYLAN? WHO?
Gwar is great live, but again, we have the issue of likeable music. Aaaah. Who am I kidding. Gwar are the shit.
Gwar aside, I long ago gave up hope for a group that successfully births a perfectly conjoined Siamese twin of metal and humor. Then, while searching for new free music on Bandcamp, I discovered muthafudging Petrol Hoers.
Petrol Hoers is incredible, but by no means…good…. Probably because it is music made by a goddamn horse.
I am having trouble coming up with words to describe this one-horse band, that I simultaneously think is brilliant and probably one of the most unpolished pieces of garbage on the internet. And I mean that in the most loving of manners, I assure you. You HAVE to be unpolished to truly be punk or grind. You just HAVE to be.
Let me see. Imagine if Trent Reznor started a grindcore project. He planned the most brutal record conceivable, with mind-altering concepts, bitchin’ riffs, emotionally disturbing lyrics, and some amazingly programmed drums. He did this for months and months. Then one day, he ditched the idea and made an electronica-infused grindcore album and only spent an hour at most on each song.
Also, ole Trent turned into a talking horse.
You see, qualitatively, it’s nothing really special in this day and age when DIY projects from your garage sound practically as good as professionally mastered records. What’s important about Petrol Hoers is the punk rock passion. This is one horse that you can tell won’t really give a shit if you like his music or not. Which is good, because I have a feeling a lot of people won’t enjoy it when they don’t sense the ironic absurdity being yelled at top volume.
I mean, not a lot of people wouldn’t appreciate a collaboration album between Daft Punk and Wormrot…especially if its lyrical content consisted almost entirely of horse puns written by Monty Python or Fire Sign Theater.
Nevertheless, my affection for all things crusty and above the musical speed limit conditioned me to fall deeply in love with this ridiculous display of horse power. I tracked this stallion down on Facebook and “liked” his page, as should you. I fired a message of to him and asked for an interview. Luckily, Hoers can read. And apparently type. I think the fact that he has hooves made it difficult so there is no punctuation and the caps lock was on at all times. Here’s what he had to say:
1. Hoers, how did you get started doing music?
HI RAF. THAT IS A VERY GOOD QUESTION; I USED TO PULL A CART FOR PETROL BASTARD AND TAKE THEM TO GIGS AND HANG OUT AND JUST CHILL OR WHATEVER AND I WANTED TO BE MORE LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE MY ROLE MODELS I MEAN MUSICALLY AND ALSO IN MY DAY TO DAY LIFE I DID SOME REMIXES FOR THEM BECAUSE I HAD BOUGHT A GIANT KEYBOARD THAT I COULD USE WITH MY HOOVES YOU SEE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO USE HUMAN SIZED PERIPHERALS BECAUSE I AM A HORSE BUT ANYWAY THEY SAID I SHOULD MAKE MY OWN MUSIC AND START BY DOING COVER VERSIONS OF THEIR SONGS AND SO I DID AND NOW I HAVE RELEASED MY SECOND ALBOM AND I AM A FAMOUS MUSICIAN AND ALSO A HORSE.
2. I bet you put on a really great live show. Any chance you’ll be going anywhere other than England in the nearish future?
THAT IS A VERY GOOD QUESTION. I LIKE PLAYING LIVE BECAUSE IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO GET MY SWAG ON AND SHOW ALL THE HATERS THAT A HORSE CAN BE JUST AS GOOD AS ANYONE ELSE ON STAGE I DO NOT HAVE ANY PLANS TO PLAY IN ANY OTHER COUNTRIES YET BUT WHO KNOWS DO THEY EVEN HAVE HORSES IN OTHER COUNTRIES I BET THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN A MUSICAL HORSE SO MAYBE I SHOULD IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO COME AND PLAY IN THEIR HOUSE THEY SHOULD SEND ME AN EMAIL.
3. If you met Trent Reznor, what would you do? Do you like Skrillex?
I WOULD BE POLITE AND SAY HELLO AND LET HIM SCRATCH MY NOSE AND FEED ME A SUGAR LUMP UNLESS HE APPROACHED ME FROM BEHIND IN WHICH CASE I WILL KICK HIM IN THE FACE WITH BOTH OF MY BACK FEET I WILL FEEL BAD AFTERWARDS THOUGH IT IS SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT HELP BUT THAT IS JUST ONE OF THE TRIALS I FACE AS A HORSE IN A MODERN WORLD I HAVE NEVER MET SKRILLEX AND HE NEVER RETURNS MY CALLS BUT I LIKE THE WAY HE MAKES THE THING GO WOB.
4. Is it difficult to master your songs seeing that you are a horse with hooves?
IT IS NOT THAT BAD SINCE I GOT MYSELF A GIANT KEYBOARD ALSO I GOT THIS PLUGIN THAT HAS A BUTTON AND WHEN YOU PRESS IT IT MAKES EVERYTHING SOUND LIKE FFFFSSSSHHHHHHWWWRRWWWRRRWRRWW SO I USE THAT A LOT I AM ONLY JOKING I ACTUALLY PUT A LOT OF CARE AND ATTENTION INTO MY MIX.
5. What is your writing process like?
I JUST PICK UP AN INSTRUMENT AND LET MY HEART POUR OUT AND ALSO I THINK ABOUT SUBJECTS THAT EVERYONE WILL RELATE TO AND I WRITE ABOUT THEM THIS IS WHY I THINK MY SONGS REALLY CONNECT WITH THE LISTENER NOT ONLY ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL PUT ALSO IN GIVING THEM AN IDEA OF HOW IT FEELS TO BE A HORSE CANTERING THROUGH THE FIELD WITH AN ATTRACTIVE HORSE LADY ON YOUR BACK AND THE WIND IN YOUR MANE.
6. You just came out with your second album, REALLY GOOD AND SEXY. What were your major influences going into the recording process for it? Why is it so bad ass?
I MAINLY WANTED TO HAVE DRRRRRRRS AND WOBS AND SOME GUITAR AS WELL AND TO MAKE AN ALBOM OF MY OWN WITHOUT ANY COVERS ON IT AND ALSO DO SOME OF THOSE SILLY GLITCHY DRUM BEATS AND MAKE THE VOCALS DO THAT THING WHERE THEY GLITCH OUT FOR A WHILE AND I WANTED TO GET SOME BUDDIES TO DO GUEST VOCALS TOO AND HAVE SOME GRIND BITS AND SOME BREAKCORE BITS AND SOME BITS THAT PEOPLE COULD BOOGIE TO AND I DID ALL OF THESE THINGS.
7. Is there perhaps a third album in the works? Will it be more remixes or originals or a combination?
I AM GOING TO KEEP RELEASING ALBOMS UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME TO STOP BUT IF THEY DO I WILL IGNORE THEM AND KEEP RELEASING THEM ANYWAY I THINK THE NEXT ONE WILL BE MORE ORIGINALS BUT I GUESS IT COULD HAVE REMIXES ON IT I WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY HAVE PLENTY OF DRRRRR AND WOB.
8. Thank you for allowing for free downloads on Bandcamp. I hope at least a few people have given you some carrots or barley or hay or whatever for your albums.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR THANK YOU PEOPLE ARE VERY NICE AND THE OTHER DAY SOMEONE GAVE ME A SUGAR LUMP.
9. I really love grindcore and am curious about that aspect of your music. Who is your favorite grindcore band?
I LIKE ANAL CUNT AND PIG DESTROYER BECAUSE THEY ALSO HAVE AN ANIMAL IN THEIR NAME AND MAGRUDERGRIND I LIKE TO LISTEN TO THEM ON MY RECORD PLAYER BUT I HAVE TO GET SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR ME BECAUSE MY HOOVES WOULD SCRATCH THE RECORDS.
10. What is your favorite beer?
I MAINLY DRINK WATER FROM A METAL TROUGH.
11. Shrooms or Acid?
AS ANYONE CAN TELL YOU THE DRUG OF CHOICE FOR A HORSE IS KETAMINE.
12. Fuck, marry, kill: Queen Elizabeth, Catherine the Great’s Horse, Benedict Cumberbatch.
MARRY LIZZY AND BECOME KING, FUCK THE HORSE AND KILL THE ONE WHO SOUNDS LIKE A TYPE OF VEGETABLE I HATE VEGETABLES.
Check it out. If you like Petrol Hoers, awesome. If not, go listen to some Emmure and Austrian Death Machine, I guess.