Hammer Fight Tour Blog: "Wanna Try My Homemade Mayonnaise?"
New Jersey thrash rock outfit Hammer Fight are on tour, wasting heads and getting wasted along the way.
Day 5 — Nashville, TN
Daily Quote of the Day: “The guy from Gummo is at the bar… and he’s hella bummed.”
Day five?! What the fuck? Sorry again for the huge gaps between stories. Just too much fun and a broken power inverter to be responsible.
Anyway, this show was a pleasant surprise. We rolled into town and immediately snacked hard at the barbecue joint next to the venue.
Then Ninja and I sat down at the McDonald’s next door to mooch their wifi and write this blog. While there we had a lovely encounter with a drunker-than-us homeless dude. He loudly proclaimed that he was the next President of the United States, then pointed at me and screamed at the top of his lungs, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMPUTER!” That was a nice change of pace for a slow day.
We weren’t expecting much on a Monday in a town we’ve never played in before. But it turns out, Nashville fucking rules!
Packed room and a couple of insane local bands. Couldn’t have asked for more.
Some post show blunts with local metal heads and it was off to Columbus, OH.
Day 6 — Columbus, OH
Daily Quote of the Day:
Eric Adams: “I. WAS. BORN. TO. DIE!”
Andreas: “Who isn’t?”
Drew: “It’s ManOwaR.”
Andreas: “No shit it’s fucking ManOwaR.”
Tonight we’re at the Shrunken Head in Columbus. We rolled into town early to meet up for lunch with my dad. Haven’t seen the guy in a few years, so that was nice. He briefly instructed us to never marry, and seemed to approve of this group of assholes I got with me.
The one local band on the show dropped last minute, so tonight it’s just us…and like seven people. But seven really awesome people. We did our set for a handful of really enthusiastic maniacs and hung at the bar. Todd’s driving tonight, so me and Ninja are gonna get loaded.
Many shots of whiskey were had while we hung with the staff and witnessed local cutie pie, Lisa, dig deep into the toilet to retrieve her phone like a fucking man! Good shit, kids.
Time for Manowar videos and sleep on the way to Chicago.
Day 7 — Chicago, IL
Daily Quote of the Day:
Ryan: “Yo, dude. We should probably throw this bag out that you’ve been puking in all day…”
We’ve been looking forward to this one. We love this town. We played the Cobra Lounge last time we were in town and had the time of our fucking lives.
The staff took us out drinking and Todd decided that the masculine thing to do would be scale a 15-foot wall and jump onto the concrete, resulting in him having to wear magic shoes for the rest of the tour (magic shoes can be purchased at Wal-Mart, btw). But that was months ago, I’m getting off topic.
We risked our lives by driving through the night just so we could arrive in town early to eat massive burgers, then immediately take a four hour nap in the van. We got our shit together.
Time to take hobo baths at Target, then off to the venue. The Cobra Lounge is probably the most accommodating venue we’ve ever encountered. Philly is the man! Coolest dude. So much fuckin’ booze. Oh, and we had a massive fucking green room. That shit is bananas.
Saw lots of friends, and partied with our home boy Eddie Gobbo (he is the man as well). Super cute bartender, Krystal, was mysteriously absent, though. She must have known we were coming.
Proceed to watching rad bands. Post show party upstairs in the green room with some dude named Jeff Lepard and his buddies. Watched the sun rise and based out in bunk beds like a bunch of children.
Day 8 — Akron, OH
Daily Quote of the Day: “Don’t step on Ryan.”
Wake up guys, we need to go eat more greasy tourist food. We were told Hot Doug’s is the place. And it is. Hot dogs and cheese fries are always a good way to start your day. Except for Ninja, though. As soon as we pulled up to the place he started hurling all over the side walk. He wasn’t looking good. You would think that a guy in his condition would be in no shape to party today, but this guy’s a fucking boss. I think he’s got it in him.
Let’s get to fucking Akron. This town is a blast. Every show we’ve ever done here has been set up by this fat asshole, Dave Burgess. He eats people. And he makes his own mayonnaise. He eats that too, with a spoon. He also knows how to party, and so does everyone else here.
It’s a packed house at Old Haunts Tavern tonight. Rowdiest crowd of this tour by far! Fucking maniacs. That set was a blast. More free beer, fire pit, and cute girls? Let’s do this. We hit it hard tonight, me and Ninja took a trip to outerspace. These people here fucking rule.
Last call. Grab a case of PBR and let’s go to our friend’s place so we can get locked out on the balcony, and watch some weirdo scale the side of the building to break in while the downstairs neighbors let us know how much we suck.
Ninja drank milk and vodka. Looked gross. The last thing I remember was watching “Jingle All The Way.” Akron wins.
I gotta wrap this up. The guy next to me at the Starbucks we’re at is giving me the creeps. He looks like Bubbles from “Trailer Park Boys” and I believe that large book he’s reading is of questionable content. Two more shows. We’ll check back on Monday with a recap.